Sleep Blog

I get at least 10 emails, sometimes actual letters sent via the U.S. Postal Service, and several phone calls each week on the topic of leading a person to health information. The basic letter is something like this:

Help me, please! From what I can tell, my lover of three years has apnea. I’ve researched the signs and symptoms, and the snoring, gasping for air (sometimes actual snorting, sort of like a pig, but that just doesn’t sound nice), excessive sleepiness during what should be “waking hours,” and other symptoms are all present. Some of the more serious effects, such as hypertension and heart failure aren’t present yet (a cardiac stress test ruled that out), so it isn’t life-or-death yet.

I’ve tried bringing home information, brochures, and even videos on the Internet. I’ve tried to bring the topic up during doctor visits, but everything is shoo-shoo’d, and the doctor goes along as it is not my visit.

What can I do to convince my lover to listen to me? We’ve been together too long, have made too many plans, commitments, and our lives are so intertwined that it would take something similar to a divorce to tear us apart. Tell me, is there something I can do to force someone to see critical health information when they refuse to, especially when it is their health at risk, as well as our relationship?

Leading a horse to water …

Have you ever heard the old adage, “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink it,”? Well, that’s exactly the situation here. You can preach all you want about sleep disorders, sleep apnea, and any other health issue to someone, but until they come to grips with the issue, until something strikes at their very core, they will never seek out help or be willing to seek treatment or information.

Sharing information is great — be a resource for your partner, your spouse, your mate, your lover, your father or mother, your brother or sister, your aunt or uncle, your niece or nephew. Make the information available, but don’t, by any means, attempt to force it on the person. It’s just like religion: if you preach and push “the gospel” (in this case, “the gospel” is valid information about sleep disorders or sleep apnea) down people’s throats (not literally, please!), they will never listen. If you make an attempt, then provide information, allowing the person to choose when and where to read it, things go much easier. Just like with religion, if all you do is talk about the “positive” side, but don’t demonstrate “the good things that can result,” you lose. In this case, the best case would be if you knew someone else who has sleep apnea who could befriend the person in your life who wants to ignore the apnea. The person with apnea needs to truly be a friend and not push a sleep study or treating apnea, but perhaps, on occasion, mention something, such as “I feel so much better now when I wake up since getting diagnosed with apnea.” The more closely aligned the person is with the person in your life, well, the more impact the friendship will have. It’s just like with anything else in life: no one cares how much you know until they know how much you care.

To sum up this point, I would quickly say: Make info available, but don’t advertise it. Leave printed information in “the library” (the one at home, as well as your local library, if possible), on the coffee table, or wherever is most logical in your home. Don’t try to force anyone to read it; simply put it down and let it be read when “the time is right.”

Don’t be pushy

Don’t be pushy. Many years ago, while still young and wet-behind-the-ears, I learned a lesson about women. It seems women do a lot of talking, complaining even, about many things, whether about work, life, relationships, family, or whatever. They like to complain, it seems, and just because they opt to complain to a guy it does not mean they want you to “fix things or offer suggestions. It’s a lesson I am still working on perfecting.

Men have this built-in response mechanism that when they hear something that sounds like a problem, well, they jump right out there and try to fix or solve the problem. It goes back to men just wanting to tinker with things, sometimes just to see how things are put together. Notice, though, I did not say they men fix things, because sometimes, well, things are left in a pile of a million pieces, and frankly, things would have been better left untouched.

That brings us to the next idea. Just because you know the person needs help, don’t be pushy about it.

What?!?! Apnea can be a real life-and-death situation. While that’s true, a person that isn’t jumping up and running to the doctor when you get to the heart of the matter after the first five times isn’t going to change just because you keep trying to push them to take action. Instead, many people, and I am one, will sit back and purposely not do anything — just to tick you off.

Health issue trade-in

Now, a month or so has lapsed since you’ve talked to the person about their suspected apnea. They aren’t seeking treatment, nor do they seem to really care they have a potentially fatal health issue. Some folks are like that: they just don’t care if they live or die. Other people seem to not care about whether they live or die, but the truth is, they just don’t really communicate their feelings for a variety of reasons. Sometimes the people are insecure in relationships, sometimes it is a fear of something, and other times it goes back to something they learned as a child or young adult, about not displaying emotions. It could also be something else.

If this is a person with whom your close — a person that is in your life, as a lover, as a spouse, as a wanna-be spouse, or any other close relationship — heck, if you are the person’s best friend, there’s a calculated move that you could try.

You want the person to go to the doctor to get tested for sleep apnea. Almost everyone in today’s society has some sort of health problem, but most people also have some health issue they know about, yet ignore, whether it be allergies, a “mild” health condition, or even toenail fungus. Here’s whether ignoring a health issue becomes a benefit.

Let’s Make A Deal

Chances are you are putting off — maybe even ignoring, just like someone in your life — a health issue. It doesn’t matter what it is. If the person you’re trying to get motivated to treat their suspect apnea knows of this condition, and better yet, if they’ve pushed you to get that issue looked at by a doctor, sit back and pretend you’re Donald Trump or one of his associates: cut a crafty deal.

Discuss your issue with the person in your life that you believe has apnea. Tell the person you want them to get their apnea treated, and, in exchange for them taking care of a serious issue that concerns your greatly, you’re going to take a step and make it a win-win situation. You are going to get your health issue treated.

Now, once you make this deal, by all means, be resolved to live up to your end of the bargain.

Who else do you know has apnea?

Estimates are that more than 20 million people in America suffer sleep apnea. Chances are you know at least 10 people with sleep apnea. Find those people and talk with them. See who they know who has apnea. See who they know that might have a positive influence — or see who may have a negative influence, such as someone who knew a close friend who died from untreated apnea. Yes, it’s sad, but sad events happen every day. This is one way that a sad event can be used for a very positive outcome, and it has been used many times over. Put it to work for you!

If NFL players have apnea, could you?

Reggie White died from apnea. He was a former professional football player.

About three years ago, a study was released that showed that many current National Football League (NFL) players — young guys, most of whom are in the best condition of their lives — suffer from obstructive sleep apnea.

You may be saying, “Big deal, what do football players have to do with me or anyone I know?”

See, if these active NFL players, these young athletes in the prime of their career, can — and do — have apnea, ask your friend, your partner, your spouse, your lover, just why do you doubt you could suffer from sleep apnea?

Get a tune-up

Autos get tune-ups, overhauls, and sometimes, based on age of the vehicle and government regulations, they even have to sometimes get modifications. If you care about your vehicle, you will be taking it in for an oil change at least at the change of seasons, but also buying good gasoline, not stuff from the “NoName Fuel Company.”

For people, getting annual physicals, routine checkups, and blood work is part of the human tune-up. Going in for sleep studies and other tests are simply our preventive maintenance.

If the person beside you stopped breathing …

If you’re sitting on the bus or train, or if you are sitting at your desk, and, while looking around, you notice the person beside you stopped breathing, what would you do? Chances are you would call 911. If the person who stopped breathing is lucky, you will be one of those fine folks who has been trained in CPR, and you will initiate it, too, I bet.

What’s the difference between the person who stops breathing during the day, while on the bus, on the train, at work, in the grocery store, or anywhere else, as compared with a person who stops breathing while they sleep? There is absolutely no difference. Well, there is one. If the person who stops breathing during the sleep is lucky, they will resume breathing on their own. If they aren’t, well, they’ve just breathed their last. This is the reality people with undiagnosed and/or untreated apnea must learn.

Insure them!

Okay, you’ve tried everything possible. You’ve talked to the person, you’ve found one of their role models who suffers apnea and is using CPAP or BiPAP, yet your friend, your lover, your spouse is shoo-shooing the situation. Now it’s time to call out the big guns.

This one will work only if you’re in a committed relationship with the person. If you are, wait until they come home from work on evening. Be sure it’s an evening you know they are somewhat alert and listening to what you are doing.

Find a phone extension, in earshot of the person, but not next to the person, and call your life insurance agent. Once you have the agent on the life, inquire about a $2 million life insurance policy on the person.

What’s going to happen? In all likelihood, the person will become irritated and may shout something to the extent of, “What do you think you’re doing?” This is a great question. Simply answer, “I’m planning for life after you die, just so I know I am cared for and can live the life I wish to become accustomed to once you’re dead from apnea, or until I find a rich sugar-daddy or sugar-momma, whichever comes first.”

When talking with the life insurance agent, the question may come up where you are asked if the person being insured has sleep apnea. If it does, simply reply, “No.” Until the person has been diagnosed through a sleep study, there is no diagnosis of apnea. Unless you want to be one of those people who could be charged with practicing medicine without a license, don’t diagnose. You may suspect all you want, but just like slander, just because you may suspect something doesn’t make it so. Again, don’t tell a life insurance agent someone has apnea if they have not been diagnosed.

Now, by the same token, I am not, by any stretch of the imagination, telling you to lie to a life insurance agent. The life insurance agent may ask about “health conditions,” “diseases,” or “disorders,” but that is about health conditions, diseases, and disorders the person has been diagnosed with by a doctor. Just as you can’t look at someone and say, “Yep, that person has cancer,” you also can’t look at someone and say, “Yep, that person has apnea.” Sure, you may strongly suspect a person has sleep apnea, but the only way to diagnose obstructive sleep apnea is through a sleep study.

Go out and save the people you love!

Okay, my lecture it over. It’s time for you to take charge. Go forth, ye, and save the apneics of the world, beginning first with those you love.

Resources

Awake In Philly
Awake In America
Epworth Sleepiness Scale
Epworth Sleepiness Scale
Sleep Tips
Hints to Improve Your Sleep
World Class Snoring Quiz
What are those machines?

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